For decades I tried just about everything to find happiness, self respect, love and the answers to the questions, why am I hear and what is life all about. That journey led me from having most everything I wanted and still not being happy, to pain, sorrow, loneliness, homelessness, hopelessness, alcoholism, drug addiction and thoughts of suicide. After years of trying and when the pain was just too much to bear, I fell to my knees and asked God to either end this miserable life of mine or show me how to live the right way. I asked him to come into my life and take over, if there was anything left worth taking. I felt a sense of relief, I let go and I gave up my way of doing things and sought His guidance. It was now up to God to show me the way and boy did He. This is not a story of an instant healing, but instant revelation that God is real, and how He opened my eyes and gradually showed me things I would never have seen without Him in my life. God is real and life is unbelievable better with Him in it. Your experience might not be as dramatic as mine, everyone is different. I ran my life into the ground and could barley think straight so it took an undeniable sign to pull me up out of the hole I had dug for myself. In my case nothing short of a miracle would have gotten my attention. I pray that you don’t have to hurt as bad as I did to find the truth.
In the early part of 2005 I was as low as a person could get. I was sleeping on the floor of a condo that I would soon be evicted from. My girlfriend had just walked out the door telling me that we were through. I had lost everything that I needed to have some sort of normal life. I just wanted all this to end; I laid down on the floor and eventually fell asleep. That’s when my miracles started.
While sleeping I had a dream that I remember completely and still think of almost every day, even though it’s been over five years. It was my future. This dream was very different from all my other dreams. For one think it was in color, I’ve never dreamt in color before. And it was so detailed that I can write about it after all this time. It was what I believe would have happened to me if I did not stop drinking and using drugs.
In my dream I was driving my white van when I crossed the center lane and ran into a car head on. The car was carrying four teenagers, none of them made it. I unfortunately did but would never walk again. The police found alcohol and drugs in my van and the public wanted to see justice. My family suffered terribly from their anger at me, but directed at them. After some time in rehabilitation I was put in some kind of a nursing home where I just waited to die. Even in there I was treated terribly by everyone because of how I ruined four lives. Some time had passed and the only thing I wanted to do before I died was to see my girlfriend one last time, I had no visitors. I didn’t remember seeing her since the accident and did not think I would see her again. Then one day she walked into room, I could see that life had treated her bad since the accident. I could barely recognize her but could tell by her eyes that it was her. Shortly after she left I passed away.
I remember flying like a bird over the area that I grew up in. I started at 12 mile road and went south above Milton. I was about thirty feet up, going side to side just like a bird. I flew over South school where I spent many years playing baseball, volleyball and football, then over the park at Butcher Jr High and then straight up. It was like my last look at my life. I went straight up until I was in total darkness, as black as black could be. I remember being very calm and thinking that I must have died. I had absolutely no fear. I thought to myself that I should pray. I started saying our father, at that time it was the only prayer I knew besides now I lay me down………….. Instantly I saw a speck of light that seemed like it was on the other side of the universe, but I flew straight towards it. It got brighter and brighter and I could tell that it was not one light but many lights grouped closely together. Somehow I forgot the words to our father and stopped praying. I stopped going towards the lights and woke up. I like to think that the lights were family and friends that had already moved on and were there to guide me. I did get to experience what heaven was like in another dream. I’m still trying to figure out how to put that into words.
After I woke up I just keep walking around the room trying to understand what just happened to me. I knew it was something very different. Then all of a sudden I felt something touch me in the upper, center of my back. I felt it slowly wrap around me and as it did I felt warmth and a love that I have never felt before and have not felt since. It may sound strange but it felt like wings, wings made of gold, liquid gold. I felt so safe, so loved, so warm, and so right. I never wanted it to end. Then from directly in front of me I heard and felt the word, REPENT, it was audible and I physically felt it penetrate every cell in my body as it went thru me. It was powerful. I fell to my knees and realized I was in the presence of God.
While on my knees God revealed my complete past. My whole life, up until this moment, was played like a movie thru my thoughts, but it was like looking at it from the outside in instead of from my personnel perspective. It only took a few moments to review my whole life. It was like my brain was a super computer that could comprehend all this information in seconds. I was horrified. My life was all wrong. What a waste. I cried what felt like a lifetime of tears. I felt totally ashamed and at the same time total bliss, because I knew that I was being given another chance to do it right.
My mind was full of questions, I remember thinking questions and instantaneously the answers were in my head. Like mental telepathy at the speed of light. I know the questions were asked and answered, but for reasons only known to God, I was not allowed to remember the questioned I asked or the answers, but I know for sure that I asked and received the answers. All I can tell you is they were about God. After that I still had the wings wrapped around me and I had this undeniable urge to stand in the shower. I kept fighting it because it just seemed too strange to stand in the shower when I’m having a supernatural spiritual experience. But I gave in, I just stood in the shower and let the water pour down on me. It felt like my whole past was being washed away. I didn’t understand then but now I believe it was a form of baptism because as soon as my foot hit the tile floor while getting out, I felt the wings start to open up. I yelled NO, but heard, (not audible) in my head that they would always be there. I felt an incredible sense of renewal and strength.
I was staying at my son’s while in the process of cleaning up my shattered life when I decided to try and start my old van. I had tried numerous times before with no luck but this time it started right up. I was quite surprised. I noticed it was on empty so I drove up to the corner gas station. On the way back I had a strong feeling to pull into a small church parking lot. I watched as people pulled in and went inside. The last time I remember going to church was when I was around five years old with my mom. I was very nervous about going in but felt an overwhelming sense that I really needed to.
It just happened to be a African American church and I was the only white person there, I wondered if I was in the wrong place but soon found out what I was there for. During the service they had a play. The play was about a troubled girl alone in her room; she was at the end of her rope and praying for help. Suddenly she felt a presence and than a load and powerful voice came over the speaker system, REPENT! She was having the same kind of spiritual experience as I did. I found out afterword that the lady that wrote the play was praying to God when she received the idea to do the play. What are the odds that in the entire world, on that particular day, at that particular time and in that particular church, they would be having a play about what just happened to me? I must have had a shocked look on my face because one of the members came over and introduced himself. I quickly told him what was going on and he asked if I would repeat my story to the congregation. The biggest fear in my life was standing in front of a group of people and talking but I managed to do it. I still remember the looks on some of the people’s faces. God was using my experience to build the faith of others and at the same confirming mine.
Another time I was reading in a public place and a stranger walked over to me and handed me a plastic bookmark. When I took a good look at it I noticed it had a picture of a statue, the statue was of an angel. The wings on the angel were made of gold. My mind instantly went back to the night of my awakening and the feeling of warm gold that I had, to me I was in the arms of God that night and have been following Him ever since.
It’s been years since my awakening and my life has changed dramatically. I wake up with a good attitude looking forward to what the day may bring. I still have my share of trials but what use to send me into a freefall is now just another opportunity to grow stronger. I now have a sense of peace and confidence I’ve never had before. Everything makes sense. When you have a good view of the bigger picture life is a lot easier. It’s not all about me and what I want; it’s about all of us working together for a better world. God said that the two most important commandments are, (Matt. 22:37-39) love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, with all thy mind, and love thy neighbor as thyself. When you walk thru life looking for opportunities to help your brothers and sisters and make the world a little easier for someone else, your life is more rewarding. And while we’re doing that God is looking out for us.
We all find the truth in different ways. I had to hit rock bottom, you don’t have to. God gave us free will and won’t force himself on us, but if you ask Him, He will be there. If you’re tired of feeling lost all you have to do is ask for directions.
Rom 10:9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
“Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”