As a child I went to Church, not by my own will… but because my Mother made me go with my Aunt and Cousin’s. I never really learned anything when I went; I was just there because I had to be. At the age of twelve, I left the Church and got lost in this world. By the time, I was thirteen I was smoking weed, cigarettes, and drinking Alcohol. I also started skipping school to get high. I would tell lies to my Mother about where I would be at and what I was doing. I would not come home when I was supposed to I thought I was grown.
At age, sixteen I moved in with my cousin’s which was a party house. I started drinking hard, having sex, popping pills; Smoking weed and Cigarettes. At one point I even started reading tarot cards for a living, I worked for a well-known “Psychic.” The enemy had me so blind, that I did not know by messing with those cards. I had opened the door to Satan. Moreover, things got worse in my life. I started going in and out of depression. I was in horrible relationships with men who only wanted sex from me, and married men etc. I had horrible self-esteem; I hated my life and myself. I was looking for love in all the wrong places….
so I finally thought I was tired of the lifestyle I was living, so I moved back in with my moms. But I didn’t change I got worse I was still getting high, smoking, I would go out dancing four to five times a week. I was drinking heavily I loved the taste of Alcohol, There were a few times that I should have got Alcohol poison, but even then, God was watching over me and saved my life… although I didn’t deserve it. When I moved back with my moms she told me, she had a virus called HIV /AIDS and there is no known cure for it. That is when Satan knew he could get me… he knew I was an easy target because I was so broke down from my past and all the things I had endured and now my mothers sickness. He knew I was weak. He sought to destroy me. I started to sink into depression worse then ever…
Thoughts of suicide came more and more frequently, I just couldn’t bear with the pain. I wanted to kill myself everyday. I felt as if everyone in my life had left me and hurt me. From my grandmother passing who meant the world to me, friends, my mother being sick, and my stepfather who passed who gave my mother the virus. I had a whole lot of hate and anger build up inside of me. Therefore, after all the thoughts about committing suicide, I finally had enough and I tried to take my life. I took a whole bunch of pills and nothing happen that night… so I waited and tried again a few days later and nothing once again.
I was living in hell on earth everyday. Therefore, I started doing inhalants, one day I blacked out, and when I came back to reality, I had Gasoline all over me. I was lucky I didn’t light a match or I would have been on fire. At age twenty-four I started cutting myself to relieve my pain…I thought cutting myself will make me feel better. I know now that this was Satan trying to kill me before I got into God’s will for my life, because he knew once I met god he would never have me again. One day unexpectedly, my uncle asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and I said yes! And I gave my life to Christ. I know God was waiting my whole life for that day.
When I got saved, I still had occasional thoughts of suicide and mood swings. But the more I prayed and study my bible those thoughts went away. I am happy to say, I’m totally healed from all symptoms of depression, cutting, addiction, and thoughts of suicide. I also do not curse, drink, or do any of the things I used to do. I love myself and I love life…and most importantly, I love God and his son Jesus with all of my heart and soul. He still has the power to change lives and my life is an example of that. He loved me even when I ignored him everyday… even when I disrespected him and myself with the things I did. He loved me when I did not even love myself. He gave me back my desire to live…
Now I cannot wait to see all the wonderful things he has in store for me. I am now a completely new person, the person he always knew I was… I will never forget where I came from, and all the things I went through. Because now I can fully appreciate, where he has brought me to at this point in my life, and where I am going in the future. I owe him my life…wherever he leads me I will go. Whatever he wants me to do I will do. I will tell anyone who will listen about his love and his Salvation. And, if everything I had to go through was to get me to this point, where I am telling my story, so it can help someone else…it has been worth it…
”Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6 may God Bless everyone who reads this. And my prayer is that he makes himself known to every person struggling with the Issues I struggled with and show them that he is the only way to ever have a life worth living.
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