Satan has set out to destroy me from a very young age by molestation, childhood curiosity and homosexuality. I became sexuality active at age seven and it caused me to feel un-lovable, un-clean, un-worthy, un-desirable and I felt like I never fit in anywhere.
I actually think that the molestation started long before I was seven by my uncle who had later in life found out he had messed up mind about sex. I had spent a lot of time with my uncle and his wife when I was a child and I truly think that he did things to me then. I loved my uncle and when I realized that he was doing things to me I thought this was they way you showed love.
My father passed when I was seven and my mother rented a room to a family friend to help him out and to help make some extra money. We did not have a lot and my mother was raising my teenage brother, two of my sisters and myself and she didn’t work out side the home because she had to take care of us.
On day I found myself in this mans bedroom and the molestation by him started from there and it lasted through my teenage years. Satan used this man to try to destroy me for the rest of my life. Because I wanted attention and to be close to a male to fill the void of not having a father I was being used by him to meet his needs sexually. Again by doing these thing I thought this was they way you got the attention you needed.
From here I found myself doing things with my playmates & childhood friends my own age.
When I was around the age 10 a family moved into the neighborhood that had three sons ages 10 to 13 and the youngest which was my age we became friends and things started happening between us and then there were others a well. Satan had gotten a hold of me and I felt that I was doomed forever. None of these guys were really my friends it became what I could do for them. This stuff went on for years with these guys until we were all out of school and a couple even longer. But I was the bad one because I had fallen into homosexuality.
But through all this time that I was growing up the family friend that was sexually molesting me started calling me names and all then all the guys started calling me names and that just drove my unworthiness even deeper. It came to a point to where if I knew that none of these guys were really my friends and all of them were making fun of me. I did like girls and i even had a couple girl friends as a teenager but the homosexuality had such a hold on me I couldn’t get free. I didn’t know how to get free from it. I used to beg God to take it away from me but I didn’t know how to let it go and let him work in me. Satan would always lie to me and tell me God didn’t love me and I would believe the lie over and over.
If you were a homosexual you were going to die and go to hell because God didn’t want you. Every preacher I ever heard mention homosexuality condemned you to hell.
When I was nineteen I met a very special woman and we started seeing each other we started living together and we were planning to get married but I was living a lie i could not stop the feelings and desires I was having and I had to tell her about my homosexuality and I did but she still wanted to get married and we did. I tried to walk away from homosexuality but it just came right back at me. You see i was trying to do it on my own. Always trying to do it on my own. But I had to leave because I could not live a double life. So after a little over a year of marriage I walked away. I didn’t immediately go back into the life style but I did fall back soon after. I was 21 when I divorced my wife.
I then found myself going out partying with other homosexuals at bars and clubs in Greensboro having little flings with other guys but never have been able to be committed to a long term relationship with anyone.
At this time in my life I was making excuses and lying to myself saying that God made me and God does not make mistakes so I was born this way all the time knowing I was lying to myself.
You see I had been to church from my childhood, in my teenage year and as an adult and I knew homosexuality was wrong the problem was I had not had the right teaching to know that if I let God take control he could do what I could not do and that is change me. I thought I had to change myself and get my life straightened out before I could go back to church.
So I continued on down my path of destruction and I let Satan lead me around from place to place always feeling depressed, lonely unfulfilled, unworthy and never really fitting in anywhere.
In the eighties around 1985/86 I met a guy who was one of the nicest people you would ever want to meet. Always happy joyful and seems so full of life and we had a very brief relationship and decided that we would rather be friends. Shortly after so I assume our relationship ended he contacted AIDS and in 1988 he died due to complications from the AIDS virus. I often wondered and ask God why he took him and not me. I was always unhappy I didn’t really feel worthy of being in a relationship because of my early sexuality. I couldn’t understand why God would want to keep me and take him.
I know now that God did not take him it was Satan that robbed him of his life and he was trying to do the same thing to me. During this time I had met another woman and I was going back to church and we were planning to get married and again it didn’t work out. I still didn’t know how to let God work in me to change me so again I was out and gone.
God has protected me for so many years and has kept me safe from so much harm. I don’t deserve the mercy and the grace that He has shown me. The love and protection that He has bestowed upon me through out my life. The only thing I can think of is when I was 5&6 years old a family that was our neighbors used to take me to church and it was a spirit filled church and there was a calling placed on my life then in the early sixties.
God has protected me to bring me to this place where I am supposed to reach out to anyone that is hurting from sexual abuse to let them know that there is a God that loves them and He loves them right where they are and He is reaching down to pick you up and love you and heal you of all the hurt and pain that you have ever felt. God wants to restore you and give back to you everything that has been stolen from you in your life.
So Satan had won it seemed like I was entering into my late forties and I still didn’t know how to get out. I had to take a step of faith not even knowing that that was what I was doing and return to God and ask Him to forgive me from my past. God directed me to a church where I met a pastor who told me it did not matter where I had been or what I had done and that I did not need to tell him anything about my past because the one who need to know already knew everything about me and He was willing to open His arms and receive me just like I was and to forgive me of all my sins.
Six years have past sense I met this pastor and God has been working in me and though it has been some tough road it has been worth every minute of it. Last year in 2009 Satan tried his best to get me to turn away from God and run as far as i could away from my church. But I kept asking him where would I go? what church would I run to because I didn’t know of another church where I would be feed the way I am being feed. I told him that going back out into the world was not an option because there is nothing to go to out there.
God is calling the church into restoration and he is preparing us to go to battle to take back what Satan has stolen from us. god is call us to help everyone that is crying out for help to show them that He love them the same way He loves us and He wants to do the same thing for you that He has done for me.
God is no respecter of person and what he has done for me he will do for you. There is not a need so deep that He can not meet it. There is not a hurt so deep that He can not heal it. All any of us has to do is:
First: Admit to God that you have a problem.
Second: Admit to God that you can not change or solve your problem.
Third: Give it to God and let Him take control of it.
Forth: Yield one hundred percent to God and let Him heal you and restore you to a whole and complete person.
Fifth: Confess the love and forgiveness God has given you and walk in the righteousness of Jesus Christ because of who He is you are righteous, you are pure, you are clean, you as white as snow with out spot or blemish.
Submitted By: Dean
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