I wish to share with you all an incident which took place in my life about 14 years ago. This gave me a whole new reason to live my life with a better understanding. When I was 15 years old, my friend and I went to a temple with consent from my mother. I returned home very late, to have my brother hit me until I was black and blue, to discipline me. It is not that he does not love me, he loves me a lot. Out of frustration and dejection, I took a drastic decision to end my life and in the late night I swallowed about 95 pills which my Grandma was using. To my amazement, I woke up the next day in a dizzy state with severe shivering, as I did not want anyone to know what I did, I pretended to be normal and got ready as usual and left for school. I was not able to stay there for more than 3 hours as I was feeling very uneasy and could feel my tongue swell and felt my energy draining. During my lunch break, I came home and told my Mom that I’m not going to school after the break. Without having an idea of what’s going on with me, my Mom scolded me even more and that triggered my depression. I gathered some money, and went to the local pharmacy and bought about 35 tablets of Avil and swallowed it. After returning home I went to sleep quietly, with a hope of not waking up at all. My younger brother returned from school and woke me wanting to play with me. He noticed that my face was completely swollen up and tongue had turned to purple in colour and I was hardly able to see anything or open my eyes. He smelt something fishy and informed my Mom about it. That is when they came to know that I have done something to myself and with tears in her eyes, she rushed me to the local hospital. Doctor refused to even look at me thinking of the risk which lay ahead….. police case etc. My Mom rushed me to several other clinics, but none agreed to treat me, but rather suggested to her to take me to Bowring Hospital which is a government hospital. Upon reaching Bowring Hospital, doctors wanted to know what I did to myself and also I could see couple of cops standing there. Not wanting to create a fuss, I tried to tell the doctors by writing that I took about 125 pills because I had failed in an examination. Doctors did not even attempt to provide any medical aid to me, but informed my Mom that we cannot do anything now as the medicine would have mixed in the blood, They could even see my skin turning purple in colour. They registered me as In–patient and laid me in a ward next to the mortuary and asked my Mother to inform the relatives and friends to have a last glimpse of me. When all this was happening, unfortunately, my Dad was not in station. When he returned home that night and came to the hospital (after being informed by my sister). Every now then, the nurse or the doctor would come to the ward to check if I was still alive. Here is the turning point of my life.

When everybody left me helpless, who do you think would have helped me in this critical situation? Though we were Hindu by religion, I was the only one in the family to believe in LORD JESUS CHRIST. My Mom being aware of that, prayed to Lord Jesus for my life and I lay in front of her eyes awaiting death, but I submitted myself to the Almighty. My Dad does not have good opinion about Bowring Hospital, as his sister had died in the same hospital long ago. Without informing anyone in the hospital, around 4 AM, my parents rushed me out of the hospital and took me home. To my surprise, I was still alive. The same day my aunty, who works for Manipal Hospital, took me to a Doctor who thoroughly checked me and made me undergo several blood tests and other investigations. Guess what…. reports came back normal. Doctor could not believe his eyes, he asked me who I believed in…… I gladly said LORD JESUS CHRIST.

The Doctor said “He is the one who has saved you. Nobody else could have saved you and it was indeed out of anyone else’s hands.” He took a promise from me that I would never try this again and very thought of suicide should never come to my mind; and that I should face life boldly. For a second opinion, she took me to the most senior Doctor who asked me “Are you sure you took the pills or did you lie to your parents”. And now 14 years have passed by… and friends…… I am still alive. I have learnt the truth of life through the Bible. If my Lord had not saved me, I would have been in the lake of fire for eternity.

You must be wondering as to why I wanted to share this incident now after so many years. I realized and am completely convinced, I whole heartedly believe that Jesus Christ is the only God who can forgive our sins and can save our life from being perished and provide salvation. I want the world to know this the one and only wonderful Sovereign Lord who loves all of us so immensely.

He is the only Saviour. He loves us all a lot. He died for us to redeem us from our sins. For anyone who believes in him, He never leaves them nor forsakes them…….. Because He loves us.

If anyone of you are going through a suffering in your life and there’s none to look at you or to help you. Come my friends…. humble yourself and seek Lord Jesus Christ to come into your life to be your saviour. He is more than willing to accept you, forgive you and save you.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

HE IS THE ONLY WAY, TRUTH AND LIFE. PRAISE THE LORD

By: Sreevidya B

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This has been one of the most trying times of my life. My girls and I have lived in four different places in the last six months. Most mornings we have woken up at 4:30AM and haven’t made it back “home” until after 8. I have worked so hard, and I have allowed God to lead my steps every moment. I decided to write this because I believe I have a story worth telling, one that is meant to be heard by those who may be suffering discouragement. I know discouragement, I know hopelessness, and I know the cure for that. But that’s another story for another day. Today is about all that has happened since December 14, 2010, the day I started on this journey, with the help of a Sister in Christ who has been totally amazing. She helped me start, and supported me completely as I took my first independent steps. During those first few days, I wasn’t completely sane, my spirit was a little bit broken, and I was a pretty hard person to be around. She listened to me cry, and she never stopped loving me, even when I lashed out at her in my pain.

I would like to backtrack just a little bit. I know many thought I was pretty crazy to embark on this adventure, including close family members and friends. I never defended myself, because I knew right from the start that I was doing the right thing according to the only One who mattered, God. I prayed for a long time before I made the decision to completely change my life around. Please don’t misunderstand, I absolutely DID have good reason to to this – ample good reason. However, this journey has been more about my relationship with the Lord than anything or anyone else. So I prayed, and I asked God what HE wanted me to do, should I stay or should I go? For a long time there was silence, and I took that to mean that I should stay. But one day in early December, He answered a different way. “Your life will never improve if you are unwilling to follow Me. You must take drastic steps, and you will face adversity and opposition from every corner of your life, but if you follow, and keep your eyes on Me always, I will keep you safe and work in your life tremendously.” This is what God spoke to me. And I listened. I had no choice. My present circumstance was driving me insane, literally. I was a part of the problem, and although I hadn’t realized that yet, I learned later that God had many things to show me, and that was one of those things.

So I decided to follow God. I left my husband. I did not leave with the intention of filing for divorce, or even for a seperation. I left because God told me that was what I had to do. During this time, I have prayed for my husband and for my marriage, and that one day the Lord will give us His blessing to reunite completely. Until then, I will fight for my marriage no matter what. I said to my husband, “Nothing and no one will stop me from fighting for US, not even YOU.” I meant that, and I have not wavered from that stance. I never will, marriage is forever, true, sacred, God-appointed marriage does not end, For better or for worse. I have worn my Promise Ring, my engagement and wedding rings, and his wedding ring as a symbol of my commitment. A wise woman of God told me that his ring on my middle finger was my mustard seed of Faith. She was absolutely right.

I went to one shelter, and had 30 days to find suitable housing for me and my girls. I continued to go to work, and kept up on the dental work that I wanted so badly to get done. I woke up at 4:45 every morning and brought the girls to Lansdale where my miracle of a babysitter picked them up and brought them to her house. My babysitter has been one of my greatest blessings. My children are well-cared for by a God-fearing woman who is willing to do everything in her power to make sure they are secure. She drives for me, not just picking the girls up but other times as well. She prays for me, and my children, and she calls prayer hot-lines when they are sick.

As my time began to run short, I prayed again, what should I do? I asked God for peace, so that I could hear His voice over my own anxious thoughts. There was another shelter, but I was told repeatedly that they had a waiting list and it would probably take longer than I had. I called anyway. I explained to the director my situation, and he told me he would call me if they had an opening. January 11, 2011, three days before my time would end at the one shelter and, incidentally, my first Wedding Anniversary, I was able to move into the next. It worked out well, and we stayed there until February 9th, when the wise woman of God I mentioned opened her home and her heart to me. When we first spoke, I told her I needed a place for maybe a month, but things took a little longer than I first thought, so she wound up allowing us to live there for a little less than three months. She taught me many things, and prayed for us constantly, and I felt completely safe knowing that I was down the hall from a truly Godly woman. She also helped me with my domestic skills, and taught me a whole lot about how to conserve resources.

Now let me once again backtrack a bit. In the beginning, when I first started processing my goals, I prayed to God to be in my own place by Hope’s birthday on May 19th. I wanted, by the time she turned 7, to be done with running around, done with moving, and secure in a place that we could call home. At one point, I started the process for a program through the office of Children and Youth Services called the Family Unification Program. This program is designed to assist women in the most dire of housing circumstances, and offers them, after a lengthy eligibility determination, a Section 8, or Housing Choice, Voucher. I brought my application, completed and with documentation, back to the office the very next day after they gave it to me. On April 12, two days before my eligibility hearing, I met with a landlord for a house in North Wales. I told them my story, my testimony, and they decided to take a chance on me by going through the process of becoming a Housing Choice Voucher Program Landlord. I prayed, and my HUGE support system prayed with me. On April 14, I went to the Housing Authority and met with a caseworker, who gave me my voucher. They gave me 60 days to find a place that would accept the Voucher, and a list of properties with open rentals who already accepted it.

Four days later, on April 18, I met with the landlords to go over the packet the caseworker gave me, and the very next day I dropped it BACK off to the Housing Authority. I was told that it would take five to six weeks for the process to go through. This presented a dilemma for me, because I could only stay where I was at until May 1st. So I started making calls, and eventually yet another woman of God told me it was ok for me to stay with her for a week, but no longer because her lease prohibited it. The apartment was available on May 8, but the paperwork wasn’t finished, and I hadn’t yet worked out where I was getting my security deposit of almost $3,000. I contacted my old caseworker from one of the shelters that I stayed at, and they approved for me to get part of it, and my amazing mother provided me with the rest. At this point, the only thing let to work out was where I could stay after the 8th. At one point, I was speaking with the landlord, and she explained to me that even though the paperwork hadn’t gone through, even though the Housing Authority strongly advised against moving in before the paperwork was finished, she would trust me to move in on the 8th.

Which means that my ultimate goal was satisfied, and that was to have stable housing before my baby’s birthday. However, I have met or am working on quite a few goals lately. I found a dentist that I’m comfortable with to get my teeth fixed, and I have been in there twice a month to get work done. I feel better about myself than I did, My girls are thriving. My marriage is thriving. I have a job, two actually, and I greatly enjoy both of them. I have many beautiful friends who love me very much. I am taking care of myself. I am growing in my relationship with God. I truly believe that this journey was WORTH IT. No matter how hard things have been, I have managed to “keep the faith” that I was following the will of God, and I never drifted from my faith.

I thank God for having been through everything these last six months. I don’t regret a single thing. And I am awed by how supportive my true friends have been to me along the way. Those who drove me places when it was cold or raining, those who offered encouraging words when I needed them most. Those who opened their homes to me. Those who offered me guidance. I never would have made it this far if I didn’t have an amazing support system.

By: Elisha

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1. Marriage Restoration

By sharing our testimonies we are conquerors of our own destiny.. I am saved, born again, and baptized by our lord Jesus. I once was so, so far away from the truth and i blindly let the devil take me into his playground and he stole everything i had in my life, Family,money, and “love”. I grew up as a kid an apostolic christian and at one point was a pastors kid. Later a family of 7 had been broken up because my mom left and everyone went their separate ways. I was alone most of the time and started getting involved with drugs and alcohol and truly because of the absence of love. I felt cold and hate and just didn’t care about my life. My dad still kept going to church without me and i just stayed away from it all. My new “friends” i met were daily pot smokers and that’s all they did. My dad being gone alot we would always be at my house i had so much breakdowns and i would cry so much because i felt so alone. I hated who i was in the mirror but my father told me that everything i did i was proud of. I couldn’t take more of it. so one day one of my friends who would smoke with me all the time invited me to youth group and so i went not expecting anything but the spirit of god whispered to me and took all that was in me and made me new. I didn’t know what to do anymore because i was living a new life. the church rhwn invited me to a teen retreat and we had a guest speaker (from Tennessee whom i never met) who in the middle of his sermon points me out and delivers me and i was completely washed away the holy spirit took over my whole mind and body and moved me.. now i continue to practice in the word and am a leader in my church. I mean for a time period of 6 months god has done so much with me. an evangelist told me that god will use me for his glory and it touched me. God bless all, lets reach out to our brothers and sisters.

By: Isai Mejia

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The Most High is faithful and if HE has promised restoration, it will come. However, I was lead to stop praying for restoration and pray for my husband to have a closer relationship with the Most High. The restoration is the secondary blessing but a more than superficial relationship with the MOST HIGH is what has manifested, My husband is now truly in love with the Most High, so his steps are ordered and his love for me is unconditional. We are now one in spirit as we never really were before. We have received double for our trouble.

By:  “Ordered Steps”

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I was a lost soul, had no moral ethics, no holy ways or acts of dignity, I was lost completely surrounded by darkness, and then Satan destroyed everything and stole my life, it took me almost 4 years to realize what happened and it came one night 5 years ago, that night changed my life, I am still a lost soul but with a purpose striving to be more like our Lord and Savior, for my sins (and there were many) lead me to my reason and for that I’m made a new and its only because Jesus Christ wanted me, a great sinner that I am still here today, thank you Lord for helping me and leading me to the light, thank you for your thinking enough of me, to let me be a part of your family, and I praise your name Jesus and testify that you are Good and you are God the messiah, and we shall rejoice in presence, for you are who you say you are, in Jesus name I pray amen!

By: Steven

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I’m now 23 years old. I have been a Christian since I was 8 years old. When I was 15, all I want is to be well-known around my Asian community. I was a gambler, I took my parents money to go gamble without notice many times. I was a cheater, I had 2 lovers and I lost both of them on the same night. I was in darkness for many years.

When I was 19, I found a way to win money in gamble. I can make thousands of dollars each week and this skill is ever with me. At this moment, I have been going to church for more than 10 years already. I never wanted to go to church but my parents forced me to go every Sunday (I never listen to the message).  But this one Sunday, my pastor was preaching on the podium, he said, “Don’t gamble”. Right away in my head I said, “Why?, why God said this? I don’t have to work or go to school anymore because I make so much money already, why does God say this?”

On Wednesday and Thursday that week, I started to test on his word to see what happen if I listen to his word and stop gambling. I saw that my life on that two days was very PEACEFUL, I felt a lot of HAPPINESS, and seen like everyone around have COMPASSION toward me. I love this feeling so much, I sense that there is something going on here. I started TO chase after God since. I quit gambling and started to work back again because the bible said, “You eat with your sweat”.

My life started changing since; I have stopped gambling for 3 years now. I went back to school, God forgave all my sins, I teach the youth sometimes at my church, I shared my testimony at a winter Christian camp, and to many other people. He blesses my life in many ways. I will continue to follow him and the rest he will take care. Please pray for me so that I can hold on to Him forever and ever.

IT IS ALL THANKS TO GOD. May this testimony touch people life and get to know the LOVING God.

Submitted by: Carson Nguyen

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Praise the lord who is worthy to be praised!!  I want to give a praise testimony to encourage people out there that your prayers are not in vain!

God listens and answers, it might not be the time you want it, but it will happen. i prayed to the lord for months to restore my marriage of 8years, my husband and i, have a child and separated for 8 months, everyone told me to give up but i held on knowing that God is the author of love.

I prayed and fasted over and over again at times i was ready to give up, but his grace was sufficient for me.  I held on and prayed through all my pains, and am happy to say God has done it, my husband and i are back together with our child and planing for the future.

Never give up on your marriage never ever. am a living testimony that God answers prayers. Praise the name of our living God!

By: Liz

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“MY TESTIMONY!”
and how it all began…

“YOU ARE THE CHRIST, THE SON OF THE LIVING GOD!”

1Thessalonians 1:5 – “For our gospel came not unto you in word only, but also in power, and in the Holy Ghost, and in much assurance…”

This Is My Story…
I guess it all mainly began when my little grandma died, in 1970. (Wow! has it been that long ago?)
In looking back, I remember being very angry over her sudden death (mostly because I didn’t visit her more often and felt guilty), and after storming into her bedroom and shaking my fist at the crucifix she had on the wall, and then telling God, that she, of all people had better be in heaven, and if she – of all people – was not… (I then went on to use some plain foul language to tell Him what He could do with His heaven in no uncertain terms).

I hated “death” and felt helpless over the devastating losses it left behind. Therefore I hated God who I felt was the author of death and could take away whosoever He wanted whenever it suited Him. (I remember afterwards feeling some remorse and guilt knowing that I shouldn’t really have swore at and blamed God for her death.)

Then around 1972 or so, and still carrying two chips on my shoulders; mad at the world, poor, hurting and sick of life and what it held (”death”!), when one day a priest of my old catholic church called me in to tell me that I wasn’t attending church or paying enough and (to make a long story short – I hadn’t gone in a few years) went on to threaten me to attend and pay lots more, OR ELSE (whisper- the Big Casino: ‘excommunication’).

Perhaps he thought that by using his “power” as a priest over me that he would get me down on my knees begging, but instead it really fired up my hatred and rage against such an uncaring and insensative world, and he was directly in my line of fire!
Well I got done telling him; in very clear terms using four letter expletive deletes, what he could go and do with himself, his church and his God, and slammed the door behind me as hard as I could, I walked out, excommunicating myself.

I wouldn’t know until 1976 that what I had officially slammed the door on was a “dead” religious system based on merits, works, sacraments and self…
At the time I had not known of or ever been told of the singular importance of having to have and to know personally / first hand, the “Living Lord and Him crucified” by receiving a “living revelation” of Him – of Him in Person and full of grace and glory (Matthew 16:17-18). No one had ever told me about having to have and know inside for myself “Jesus Christ as my Personal Lord and Savior”!

So… that brings us to events in 1976…
I had hated my father with a passion – possibly to the point of murder! He was so set in his ways and we always argued. I did not fit into his mold! Everything I said was white (and mostly it was) but everything he said was black (just the opposite).

I was starved for his love and hungered for his approval, but I always believed that I felt that I had failed to measure up to the high imaginary standards and goals of perfection he had set and expected of me! And yet, I admit, that I wasn’t doing anything worthy of honoring thy father either.

(I realized later [see below] that it wasn’t so much him as it was me who caused the communication gap between us. I realized later that his expectations of me was no more than a normal father would expect of his son. But at the time I was still an unregenerated and hurting rebel at heart!)

Then one day while I was sitting in another room he began telling a story of his account of the depression to a friend of his in the kitchen. I was so sick of him I didn’t even want to hear his voice…nevertheless, I was listening (probably to find something I could use against him later on), when he began to tell his friend how poor he and his family of 10 kids were. “We were so poor”, he said, “that I had to wear the hand-me-down socks of my older brothers, and these had holes in both ends.” He called them his “holey baseball socks”, with half a laugh.

As he continued, he told his friend that while in school one day, the teacher told all the kids to take off their shoes and socks because a nurse came in to inspect their feet to see if they were healthy. My father; who was in the sixth grade at the time, protested. At first he refused to take off his shoes, but then the teacher made him take them off, against his will. That was when the other kids (who had better clothes than he did) saw his “holey socks”, laughed at and made fun of him.

My father ran out of school that day totally embarrased, and soon afterwards he never went back, probably because of embarrasment! (However, if it were me at the time and in that situation, I probably would have stayed and fought them all including the nurse!)

As he was telling the story, I looked up from the book I was pretending to read and saw how he was getting all teary eyed and choked up, and I came to see; almost 50 years later, how it had still deeply affected him.
“Hey it wasn’t your fault”, I said to myself.

Then it hit me as I found my heart actually going out to him: “WAIT A MINUTE”, my thoughts were now shouting.”WHOA BOY! OH NO YOU DON’T. I DON’T CARE WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM OR HOW HE FELT. HE’S THE SAME SELF-CENTERED, EGOTISTICAL KNOW-IT-ALL I’VE GOT NAILED TO THE WALL, AS UNCARING AND UNLOVING, AND THERE HE’LL REMAIN UNTIL HE DIES.
HE’LL NEVER CHANGE. HE’S HEARTLESS – CRUEL – TOTALLY WITHOUT LOVE AND AFFECTION. HE NEVER LISTENS TO ANYONE – ALWAYS CLAIMING HE’S RIGHT – I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM – NO ONE IS ABLE TO LIVE UP TO HIS EXPECTATIONS!

NO! I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT THIS MAN HAS OR HAD SOME HUMAN FEELING IN HIM. IMPOSSIBLE! HE NEVER HAD BEFORE, SO WHY SHOULD HE HAVE ANY NOW. NO! I’VE GOT HIM PEGGED ALLRIGHT! HE DESERVES ALL MY CONTEMPT!”

“And yet”, said a wee small voice, “you see how that incident had deeply scarred him for the rest of his life!? You see how this man, who, as a small boy, was completely innocent, yet was so embarrased that when this happened it was on the same day that he put up a huge wall between himself and the outside world.

I saw how he built up that wall of “pretended toughness”, never again allowing himself to be in situations that would embarrass him in any way. With such a wall as that, no one could get through to him, and it’s amazing he ever married or had me. He rarely showed love or affection, at least not in the normal way I would have liked to have known it and had him hug me once in a while, because I believe he was stunted and was afraid to open up and give genuine affection and hugs and kisses once in a while… perhaps because then everyone would see him as the ’softie’ he really was behind that facade.”

(THAT is what every kid is starved for: ‘DISCIPLINE’ YES, BUT GIVEN WITH LOVE, GENUINE AFFECTION AND COMPASSION BEHIND IT!)

The more I thought about it the more I began to admit that maybe “I” was the one who was wrong — maybe “I” had him wrong all along — maybe it wasn’t him but “me” all along to blame for our falling out!

(”WOW!” This kind of admission was new and frightening to me, yet I could not shake it off. And the reason that I couldn’t was because the commandment of my not honoring thy father and thy mother suddenly became very clear to me and had nailed me right to that wall.)

This was a wee small voice in my head or somewhere showing me these things, and at first I really thought it was the devil. I had no idea it might be my conscience or God! But the voice kept speaking to me, and to my surprise: I kept on listening, until it finally broke through, and I knew right then and there that I needed to humble myself and admit that I was wrong about my Dad and my putting him on the wall like I had done and deeming him to be worthy of death.

Finally I came or was brought to a place (a place of seeing, of recognizing the whole scope) where I could finally admit that I was wrong. Not only wrong, but I was ‘Always Wrong’ to have nailed my dad to a cross judging and treating him so harshly, in thought, word and deed. This admission of my guilt had my head spinning, as I came to this ‘obvious’ conclusion! I was in shock!

This was the first time in a long, long time that I can remember that I had deep feelings towards my dad. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, put my arms around him, hold him close and just hug and comfort him. Although I never did (at that time) but his story of the “Holey Socks” had forever, in one sudden swoop, completely changed my attitude and understanding about him. I was stunned by the sudden turn of events!

It was shortly after this time, still feeling quite sensitive, when I was led one evening to pick up the Bible and read it. I don’t know where I began but I ended up in the Gospel of Matthew, and when I reached where Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, crying out to the Father, (Mathew 26:36-45) I stopped. I knew something was there but I didn’t know what. I kept reading it over and over again. I knew it was important for me to see it and to understand it.

Then, suddenly, it all began to unfold, like a butterfly spreading out it’s wings. I SAW it! MY God I SEE it! Now I know WHY Jesus is in an agony of his soul in the garden. “IT’S BECAUSE HE’S ABOUT TO DO THE FATHER’S WILL AND GO TO THE CROSS! AND THE REASON HE IS GOING THERE IS…IS…OH MY GOD…FOR ME?! HE’S DOING THIS FOR ME!?”

Now I see! Now I understand! My God, I am sitting in an amphitheater, and only feet away from me the scene in the book of Matthew 26 is being played out in magnificent splendor right before my very eyes. I cannot take it! I cannot take such love for me as I see here! Oh my God! The tears pouring out of my eyes and onto the pages of the Gospel of Matthew in no way blurr the view of Him who loves me with a love I cannot even comprehend, and who gave Himself to the cross for the likes of me…me??? Me of all people. I could not put down that Bible, and I cried so much and so long, that all I could do was thank Him over and over and over and over again.

It was very shortly after that that the Lord revealed Himself to me by making His presence known. It was as if the skies parted before my very eyes and He spoke clearly and directly to me, saying. “I am the Lord God the Almighty!”

I was trembling in fear yet overjoyed to tears at the same time because He had rolled back the clouds of darkness that had always separated us and made Himself known to me. “There is a God”! I said. “You are real! Oh my Lord and my God!” “Oh Lord, I told Him, “I love you now and want to do what you want me to do.” And the Lord spoke and said, “If you love Me, then keep my commandment and honor thy father.”

“Gulp”. I swallowed, “Oh Lord, tell me anything but that (Ephesians.6:2)! You know that! I’ll crawl to you on broken glass. Anything! It would be easier to be hit by a semi than to ask my father’s forgiveness for having hurt him all my life. Shouldn’t he be the one asking me for my forgiveness???” Then the clouds began to roll back in, and before they closed, the Lord’s parting words to me were, “If you love Me you’ll do it!”

For two days I trembled. Even my mom saw me shaking, and though I tried to explain the ‘war’ going on inside I knew she didn’t understand. (She has since died in August of 1998 of a terrible stroke and is deeply missed. She always set a fine example, and was such a wonderful mother and gracious lady that everyone loved her and we all felt special just to be around her. In many ways to me she was the complete opposite of my dad. As fine a loving mother and lady as there ever was.)

“IF” you love Me! That “IF” was a killer! Of course I loved Him!? Certainly I loved Him!? He first loved me, with a love beyond comprehention. “IF!” Yes I loved Him, but did I REALLY love Him by going and apologizing to my father and be reconciled to him as He wanted?

‘Finally’, I stood up knowing what I had to do. I know I loved Him enough to do what He said. I went over and put my arm around him, looked him square in the eye and said:
“Dad, I’m sorry for hurting you. I promise to NEVER hurt you again. Please forgive me!”

This was a complete surprise to him. A real shock! His jaw dropped to the floor, he began to choke up, and his eyes became wet like mine. I kissed him and walked into my bedroom, and as I had turned to go, he said, in a tiny choked up voice, “It’s about time you woke up, boy!”

In the bedroom the tears poured out, my head and hands were lifted to the heavens, and all I could do was affirm what my father had said, by replying, “Oh dad, how right you are!” The heavens rejoiced, and the angels sang, giving glory to God that, I, the chief of all hardheads and sinners who ever lived, had ‘finally’ repented of his sins (Lk 15:7, 10).

(Boy what a good place to end this!)
However, in order to understand what is about to shortly take place between me and my dad, we need to understand the “POWER” of sin that is present in and ruled over the “OLD” Adamic creature so long as “I” was still alive and in charge (”I promise to NEVER hurt you again”)…

Romans 7:17-24
17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

Paul came to undertand this dilemna and wrote about it in Romans. I did not. Remember how “I” had vowed to NEVER hurt my dad again? (and I meant it!) “I” was still alive, still thinking as a man being under the law, not realizing that the Power to Keep that vow was NOT “In me” but “In Christ”! It was still “me, myself and I” who was trying to live the Christian life – FOR God, of course!!! What I needed to find out is that “I” (the “I” in me, the “Old Creature”) didn’t have the kind of righteousness necessary to keep such a promise. “I” needed to be crucified and buried – to be put to death with Christ in order for Him to come alive IN me and live His life IN and through me.

In other words, I felt much like a hammer that kept pounding down my sin whenever it appeared, but it just kept popping back up so fast that I didn’t know what to do about it. I was still producing sin and alive to it and I didn’t know what to do, and I wanted to stay far away from my having to obey Him perfectly thus be put to death in order to live the Christian life the only way one could. I looked and looked for ways out of this dilemna, ever trying to do His will yet always preserving my own life.

So within a few months, believe it or not, I was back to “hating” my father all over again. Arrrgh! I found that in me I did not have what it takes, in order to love him the way that God said and live the Christian life. I was hurting him all over again, and I promised him that I never would, and really meant it when I said it. I didn’t know what to do about it!

This powerless condition that I saw myself in; not able to do as God had said, had bothered me more than anything had in my life. Satan’s thoughts were in me and seemed to make sense, as I even wanted to kill myself over being unable to keep God’s commandment. I couldn’t seem to stop sinning and didn’t know why… I didn’t know why. Raised as a “Roman Catholic” I was always taught that this “Power to do Good” was in “me”, and that God gave it to “me”, so it was all up to “me”.

I hated myself! I wasn’t doing the good I loved but the evil I loathed instead. I found myself to be powerless to stop sinning and was most wretched and miserable, just like in Romans 7. I didn’t know what to do short of killing myself or running away.

I thought I saw a way of escape, a way to get away from hurting my dad, away from the pounding of my conscience and even away from the voice of God for a while. So I gathered up a few thousand dollars and left for Florida to bet on the horses. I was a pretty good handicapper and I was intent on making a nice living and retiring off them. I left with the assurance that “I” couldn’t lose. I thought I could leave my worries far behind me.

However, shortly after I arrived at the race track I began to lose bets, sometimes in mysterious ways. Some of my bets would go lame in the lead just before the finish line, or get beat out by a 100-1 shot in a photo at the wire. Like clockwork my horses would find many mysterious ways to lose. I kept scratching my head as I kept on losing.

Well let me tell you, the more I lost the more determined to win I became!!! Soon I became ‘consumed’ in my work, spending upwards of 16 hours a day handicapping 9 or 10 races, which normally take no more 2 or 3 hours. My head was constantly buried in the racing form. I kept losing and losing. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe my streak of bad luck.

Then I realized what I kept myself from wanting to realize: “The Lord was taking a personal hand in this!” It was the only explanation that made sense. For I was never this bad, and managed to at least come close to breaking even, even in the worst of times.

Within a few months all I had left for betting the horses was maybe $50 (plus the money I needed to get home on). I had been in Florida just over two months and I was nearly broke. I couldn’t believe it. I still went to the track, trying to handicap and play only a few, of what I considered as the “premier” picks of the day. It didn’t matter, I still lost! It was becoming embarrasingly obvious that the Lord had other plans.

I had turned my back on Him because I felt He let me down. I figured that because He didn’t keep His word when I made up with my father, then why should I keep mine? (Who knew that I had believed the lie of “me” doing it, as Romans 7 said?) He knew I had turned my back on Him… and I knew that He knew it too.

Finally, down to my last $5 or $10 dollars of betting money, I went into a store to buy me some cheap food, and a little black kid, in dirty and torn clothes, came up to me and said, “Hey mister! Can I have 50 cents so I can buy some cookies? I’m hungry”!

The shortage of cash in my pocket and my only thinking of myself and my needs, almost caused me to brush him off. But as part of me thought, “Beat it kid, I need all the money I have”, another part thought, “Gee, he sure looks like he could use a bite to eat”. I went with the last part. Looking at the kid I said, “sure kid, here”.

In the same way I had also been “Holding Back” the Lord all of those months in Florida, keeping Him at a distance, keeping Him from telling me what I knew He wanted to tell me and what I knew I didn’t want to hear. I stepped outside after giving the kid the paltry 50 cents because the tears started to well up again. And as I headed to my run-down apartment the Lord began to show me something.

(At the time I did want to hear what the Lord wanted to tell me, but not until AFTER I made a killing off the horses and enough to retire on easy street for the rest of my life. THEN, I thought, I would follow Him… but it would under “MY” terms and conditions, being wrongly taught.)
(Hmmm…did I just hear Frank Sinatra in the background singing, “MY way”?)

It was time for me to face and hear the Truth. I did! That’s when the Light of God finally broke through, and I saw and even smelled this sinfully hopeless, wretched, evil, ugly, vile beast. The most foul creature I ever saw! (and it was!) I was stunned that God would even allow such a creature as this to be allowed to exist for one second without incurring His full wrath!

The moment I saw it I cried out to the Lord: “Lord! Kill it! Destroy it! How dare such a foul and putrid thing be allowed to live in your presence, before You, the holy and great Lord God the Almighty. This evil creature has no business being here in your holy presence. I abhor it. It reeks to high heaven! What are you waiting for? Destroy it and throw it into hell, Lord, where it belongs and 100% deserves to be. How dare this vile…”thing”, live before You, the Great and Holy God!!!”

“I” had spoken (and my words were based on the Truth I saw and heard, so I knew they carried weight)! The Lord saw, tasted and smelled what I had, for He was in the same Exposing Light I saw by! The depraved creature I testified against was so filthy and hopelessly rotten to the core that I knew the Lord would deal with this ‘thing’ as I asked Him to, and destroy it. For He is holy and cannot look upon such wickedness as this! I knew this absolutely!

Then, suddenly and without warning, this evil, and polluted creature slowly turned and faced me. SHOCK OF SHOCKS!!! I could not believe what I was seeing! Yet, in His All-Knowing Light, I had no choice but to believe. This vile and disgusting ‘thing’ had my name on it. My name! How did it come to have ‘MY’ name? Somehow the Lord had tricked me, much the same as Nathan the prophet got David to confessing what he’d do before he was told that, “You” are the man: 2 Samuel 12:5-7.

I could only stare in shock at this foul and loathesome creature in awe and utter amazement as I came to fully realize that this rotten to the core ‘thing’ I had utterly loathed, hated and detested above all was…me? me! “ME!!!???” The POWER of sin that I saw in me existed because “I” lived.

“Oh what a self righteous hypocrit; a white washed sepulcher, I saw that I was and am within! Oh, Woe is me, most wretched and miserable man that I was and totally without strength. In me, I clearly saw, was “no good thing”! Only evil.”
(The reality of it all struck me right between the eyes, harder than any physical sledge-hammer or freight-train ever could. (Job 42:5-6)

Suddenly realizing what I had said and Who it was I said it to, I fell on my knees and begged for mercy. I was in a state of “Full Realization” with total fear and trembling before Him, as I asked Him to please reconsider what I just said. “Oh Lord, please forgive me! Have mercy on me, Lord!”

He was the one who had shown me my ’self’ for what I was (Jn.16:8), and brought me low to this place: to the end of myself. He was the one who was all-powerful. Then He spoke. His words were cold and matter-of-fact: “You cannot serve both God and mammon! You’ll love the one and despise the other.”

(I knew Exactly what He meant, for I had one foot in the kingdom and one foot in the world, and I wanted to live and walk according to both. I also knew He was about to get up and close the door and chop off my kingdom foot forever. I learned right then and there that you cannot play God for a fool.)

“Chose you this day whom you will serve! Either Come To Me with both feet and turn your back on all else, OR walk away from Me now and forever…with no regrets and no remorse. Chose you now!” And that pretty much was it.

I was stunned! I expected chastizement or punishment, but this? He wasn’t kidding around! I knew He absolutely meant business! I was about to be “spewed out”! Well I sure didn’t have too far to look.
I was at the end of this road, where all things became clear. I was bruised and injured and sat facing the Truth. In this world my cupboards were bare, and in the next I reeked to high heaven. “What an awful mess!”

After gathering all my thoughts, I weighed and considered every angle as I searched for a way out of this dilemna, searching desperately for an easier, wider way into the Kingdom of God, wanting to keep and preserve my old, smelly, Adamic life with its power in the bargain. Although I looked and looked all over for an easier way into heaven, I found only the Narrow Gate which led to the Cross and my Death staring back at me. “Death!”

I sat down! After weighing all the costs I examined myself to see if I had what I knew (Love to God first) it would take and if I still retained some spark of love in my heart towards Him who loved me with a love that first blew me away. I knew what I had to do! I searched and found a teeny ember barely aglow for him in some dark corner of my heart, I began to blow on it.
As I blew on it I knew that I loved Him. My God, but how could I not love Him who first loved me? He knew that I loved Him… at least I thought He did… oh I prayed that He did.

Now here was my dilemna: Upon my recognition of what there was to see, I knew that if I decided to Come “All-The-Way” to Him (to plant both my feet in the Kingdom) it would spell “death” to the Old man (the Old Adamic/Sinful ME). “But HEY”, I thought to myself, “I’m the only ME I know!”

God knows “I” tried and tried (Romans 7:18-19), but I saw no other me than a dead me…”forever”! (That was a shocker, let me tell you.) Although I had looked and looked for another way, an easier way into the kingdom and preserve my life with its power while doing it, I could find no other way than through Christ, through the cross. I knew that if I turned away from Him then it’s death too; only it’s death to my New man, or the man I really never knew or had but was hoping to have one day; like Lazarus’ Martha, and receive the new me in the resurrection.

So there it was! “DEATH!” I was looking “DEATH” in the eye, either way! Death was all around me, and there was no escaping it! I said to myself: Some choice I have! Either way, I’ll die if I don’t and I die if I do! “Give me ‘faith’ Lord”, I cried out, “Oh Lord, I want to do what you want me to. Give me the faith to do as I must”!

That’s when He said to me, “I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?” John 11:25-26
His personal word gave me the assurance I needed!

I remember reading in the Song of Songs how Love is stronger than Death… so strong is it, in fact, that no flood can quench it… a flame reaching to heaven itself. And all the while I’m reflecting on that verse I know that I really haven’t any choice …but one, the choice that was based on Love. Keeping my heart, eyes and ears focused upon Christ the other choice was no longer an option for me. No longer! I knew in my heart of hearts that I did love Him, and that I still did, and that to me He was worthy of every bit of me!

I began to lift my head and opened up my heart so that He could see that tiny glow, that teeny spark of Love that was lit (i.e. that He first put in there) for Him. I prayed that the Lord would know – ohh I prayed He would know that surely I do love Him and wanted to obey Him with all my heart by Coming to Him.

And in my spirit, or heart, or whatever, I began that long turn away from my old life and towards Him. All I saw and expected was death! Nothing more! But I knew that even death didn’t matter anymore! All that mattered was Him and doing His will! His will was also mine; “Not as I will, Father, but as Thou will.” All that was in me joined up to follow through completely on only one choice, and that was to Come to Him, lock, stock and barrel, laying it all down at His feet forever with no regrets, no remorse, and no strings or baggage attached.

I was the one who took that turn or step of no return in coming to Him with my heart wide open showing Him that I did love Him and would rather die right now under His feet than live another second without Him for the rest of my life. This I couldn’t bear.
This is the place (at the foot of the cross) where I found out that His Love is more powerful than sin and even stronger than death itself!

You see, God didn’t just come to forgive us our sins, so that we can go on sinning, but He came in order to make an entire New Man out of us with a whole New Heart – one that is born after the image of God!
(As I look back on it all now I can recognize that it was when I arrived at the foot of the cross that God took and had the old me crucified and buried with Christ in order for a Brand New me to become born through God’s magnificent Love. It was there that I realized that in me dwelt the power of sin and death, but in Him dwelt the power of righteousness and life.)

As I took that step of no return towards obeying Him completely was when that tiny spark of love for Him hidden in my heart suddenly took flight and became a flame… and the flame suddenly burst forth into a blazing inferno of love… for ‘me’ (John 14:23)! For “WHO?” For “ME?” “WHAT?” How could this be? Don’t be ridiculous! I died, remember?! All my love always was for “HIM”, not for “me”! What Love is this in return? I cannot take it, this is too full of joy! I am melting like butter! He is squeezing me to death! I’m going to burst at the seams!
It was at that moment that all things became… BRAND NEW (2 Cor.5:17)

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